Column: Suffering in Silence

My brother died last week. He killed himself. My baby brother, at just 42 years old, took a shotgun along with him for an afternoon run, laying it inside the car as casually as if he’d just loaded some no-longer-needed cardboard before heading off to dump recycling. There’s security footage that shows him doing exactly that. What we don’t know yet, and may in fact never know, is why my brother – also a treasured father, partner, son and friend – decided that August 10 would be his final day on this earth.

It’s hard, but the only emotions I’m trying to feel right now are a mixture of happiness and sadness; happiness because I had the chance to know Mike like I did, and sadness because someone I loved is no longer here. These polar opposite feelings only make sense when you know that like many, including  the Princess of Whales herself, my brother suffered from severe depression.

A Quick ‘Cure’

The first time I caught a glimpse of how debilitating depression can be should of been one of the happiest days of my brother’s life. Through The Herald and my writing, my brother found his birth mother and we excitedly embarked on an across-province road trip to meet her and her family.

The first morning I found myself embarrassed that my brother hadn’t even bothered to get out of bed to spend time with these people. I snuck away, ready to haul his lazy arse out of bed. When I got to his room, my heart sunk. This big, giant, bear of a man lay on the floor in the fetal position, appearing no bigger than a toddler. I thought he was in physical pain, and I suppose in a way he was, but what he was going through was unlike anything I had ever witnessed. Not knowing any better, I offered up items in the hopes of a quick ‘cure.’ From a hug and a kiss, to a back rub, to a hissed; ‘get the f*#k up!’ I tried it all. I even pinched him, hard, hoping I’d piss him off so much he’d give chase like when we were kids. Then, I tried offering up over-the-counter meds; everything from something for period cramps to a diarrhea remedy (hey, you never know on a road trip, right?). There was no response.

I  tried humour, holding out a piece of gum and an out-of-the-package Life Saver candy I’d found at the bottom of my purse, because hey, nothing curses sadness better than a good chew and some sugar. Nothing worked.

So I just sat and watched my brother suffer in silence. Hours later he began talking. This type of thing happened, and feeling overwhelming depression and anxiety that left him helpless seemed to be happening more and more, he said. The rest of the time, he felt as if he was living life underneath water, fighting a little harder for every step, struggling through every movement, no matter how small, just to get through each day. Again, not knowing any better, I asked him why. There must be some cause, some reason, something he could fix? If it was his relationship, get out of it. If it was his life, change it. I remember saying it was probably his diet – not the best to be certain – though now I know how useless those suggestions were.

Over the years that followed I learned more about my brother’s depression and came to accept it for what it was; part of who he was. I really was proud with how my brother seemed to live a beautiful, giving life in spite of the challenges he faced. He sought professional help when needed. He took his meds, mostly. He was also a hard worker, a giving son, a great friend, a loving partner, and an amazing dad to his seven-month old son, Kyson. And he was very, very funny.

Fatal Parting Shot

And Mike remained all of those things until the day he loaded a gun in his car and went for an afternoon drive. He told no one his plans, said no good-byes. He left no explanation that we’ve found yet. He just left us. But while I’m devastated, I also refuse to focus on that fatal parting shot.

That one seemingly selfish, cruel act will never define the loving, selfless, giving, funny, treasured man that I and many knew and loved. What I will try and focus on instead is nurturing the one thing that only a brother I loved and wanted to understand could have ever given me, and that’s the gift of compassion towards those who suffer as he did.

Mike, I hope you finally have a chance to rest in peace, but enjoy it, because know this; when we do finally meet again, I just might have to pinch you. Hard. For old times sake.

Love you, brother.

Pam Pardy Ghent, The Herald’s Managing Editor, can be reached by emailing [email protected]

41 thoughts on “Column: Suffering in Silence

  1. Dorothy Blackley
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    Thank you for sharing this…. I am so sorry for your loss. Some people have no idea.

  2. Elaine Payne
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    Thank you for this beautifully written article on the unexplainable loss of your brother. Our family also lost a talent, bright and successful niece, daughter, sister, aunt and nurse in her mid twenties. Her suicide still haunts us all.

  3. Barbara
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    Thank you for writing this in the middle of your grief and anger. My heartfelt condolences to you and your family.

  4. Sandra Leamon Hardy
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    This is heartbreaking but beautiful at the same time . I’m grateful he had you as a sister and he was loved so much. Many hearts are broken across Canada today including mine . Sending love and support to you and your family and my family (his biological mom is my sister). Thank you for your honesty on speaking about the heartbreak of death by suicide and hopefully it will help to save another family from going through this ordeal.

  5. Eileen
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    I want to tell you that your brother didn’t want to die, even up to the moment he pulled the trigger; he would have wanted another solution to end the pain of depression. He didn’t want to die but he just didn’t want to live with the pain of depression anymore. There is no pain like it and unless you’ve been there, it is difficult to comprehend. It is such a horrendous feeling that is like the worst grief that you can ever endure and when it goes on for months and years, you lose hope that you will ever feel good again. Our brain is very complicated and can be so cruel as it never shuts down with the negative thoughts. It wears you down to the point where you feel there is no way back. The suicide is to end the pain that has become unbearable. It hurts the ones left behind but it is not a selfish act because the person is hurting so much that they want the pain to end.I am sorry that you lost your brother but I understand him because I live it too.

  6. Tracy Kieley
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    So sad for Michael and his struggles with depression… There r so many among us that struggle. I can only hope he is at peace.. I knew Michael when he was young boy.. such sweet boy… my heart goes out to u and your family… Tracy Kieley (Parsons)

  7. Marilyn Strong
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    God bless you and your family. You have my deepest condolences on the loss of your amazing brother. I am glad that people like you are finally giving voice to the many who agonize in private. Depression is as deadly a disease as any if left untreated. Even then, trying to figure out the correct dosage and the proper type of meds, it is often a long journey of trial and error. It’s not like an illness where a pain pill can stop the pain. I can only imagine the depth of despair that a person suffers when suicide is the answer. Thankfully mental health issues are starting to get the attention and support that they deserve. May your brother rest in peace. May you find the strength to carry on . Telling his story not only helps you but also other families going through the same thing. Thank you for sharing. Hugs to you.

  8. Christine Chislett
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I spoke to you once at the funeral for Lizzie Ghent (my father is related) I have a daughter who is battling depression. I always worry she will some day give up. I pray that won’t happen. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

  9. karon kelly
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    There’s no reason, no rhyme , but for some unknown reason to’us”, they” know that it’s ”their” time to leave us for a better place , hopefully……Bless, ur brother , Bless you and your family!Hugs…….

  10. Eileen Kipper
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    Yes so sorry to hear this sad news

  11. Sherry Garand
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    RIP Mike ?
    My condolences to Melissa, Kryson and all of his family. My thoughts and prayers to each and everyone of you.

  12. Sherry Garand
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    RIP Mike ?
    My condolences to Melissa, Kyson and all of his family. My thoughts and prayers to each and everyone of you.

  13. Kandice Rowe
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    I can’t believe you are gone ? but I promise you’ll never be forgotten. Your smile could brighten any ones day I just wish you knew how much that smile meant to so many….and seen yourself as we all seen you. Rest easy Mike you meant more to me then you’ll ever know??

  14. Marilyn
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    So sorry for your loss Pam.
    I promise I will be praying for you at this most difficult time.
    I’ve had family members who passed away in much the same manner. Not easy.
    Cry out to God for peace and comfort.
    Hugs

  15. August 25, 2017
    Reply

    Very sorry to hear. I have 6 relatives that passed with mental health issues & addictions,..some we never knew why & others we did. But the fact remaining is death is forever & we need now..more then ever help from or government. I used to be embarrassed ..”her family are all nuts etc” but just as Heart issues are in families mental illness & depression is to. Keep your chin up..i learned that we have to stop blaming ourselves & others. If they want to die they will..sad & heart breaking fact. & don’t ever think they didn’t love you because they did….I call it Cancer of the Mind………..ALL MY LOVE & RESEPCT

  16. Janice
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    My husband suffers with depression and has been admitted several times. So difficult to understand.

  17. August 25, 2017
    Reply

    So sorry to hear. I worked with Michael on two Help-Portrait events, he was a very nice and caring man! Our sympathies to his family and friends!

  18. Gail Butler
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    Hi Pam
    So sorry to hear about your loss. We too had someone who committed suicide just 2 weeks before hand to the day that your brother did. He wasn’t my son by blood but still a son to us in our hearts and our home. He was only 23 yrs old and he too never left a note. He was always smiling and joking with everyone, no one saw any signs of distress or unhappiness in him or even going off to himself at anytime. He was out to a friends house till 2 in the morning after getting off work had a talk, a few laughs and went home to bed. Got a call for work and told them that he would be in, all this was told to his grandmother before she went out. She left just after 12 noon back at home just after 2 and notice he was still home. Went to see where he was but couldn’t find him. So she went to her apartment downstairs and decided to put some bottles in the shed. She walked to the shed opened the side door and there he was, he had hunged himself. As of today they still don’t know why he did this and they probably never will. I watched alot of John Edward who had always said that those who decides to end their lives by their own hands will have to confront and deal with it before they go any further into heaven. They all have to get in other words counseling that they didn’t finish on earth. They have to cope and figure why they did what they did, then they can enter into eternal life. And if I wasn’t sure about this place that John Edward from Crossing Over I certainly believed it when a friend of mine when to see a medium without an appointment or her name mentioned that he knew about a mom who died of illness but also about her son who also killed himself after his mom died, that he knew when, where and how he did it. Plus he know how his mom died too. But he did tell her that this son and mother can see each other put they couldn’t be together or reunited until he goes through the process of confronting and dealing with what he did here on earth. I hope that for all those who reads this know that there is help out there, know that someone cares, know that someone is listening and know you are loved. Doing something doesn’t always solves the issues you will still have to deal with it in God’s way. But also know that your love ones are always will be there for you as you want to be there for them. Love is a circle that had no beginning or no end and even in death the circle will never be broken, it’s only a little thinner or weak until we meet again.

  19. Wanda Rossiter
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    Pam, I am so very sorry you have had to be on the other side of this blackness. My heart breaks for you. It’s wonderful how hard you are working to accept his choice, his disease.

    I so relate to your brother. Life can and often is so amazingly beautiful. Some of us are so very fortunate to have incredible support and the best possible family members anyone could pray for. We know this, we appreciate this, we Love you so dearly.

    Depression does not take away our knowledge of this, we know, we Love, we appreciate… but sometimes everysinglething including breathing is just so damn hard and we get so incredibly tired. I wish there was a better word for tired… sometimes tired and black… sometimes tired and numb… sometimes tired and painful… every thing is wrong…

    Im sure your brother Loved you all from every bit of his being. I pray he is resting now.

    xox

  20. Surya Shah
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    Our heartfelt condolences
    Sometimes we never know why it happened and happens
    Time heals but it often does not.
    One moves on praying and meditating
    God bless the family and pray that the you and family get the strength to bear the loss

  21. Debbie Williams
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    Heartfelt condolences to you and your family. Your article really makes one realize how unrelenting depression can be. Thank you for writing it.

  22. Beverley white
    August 25, 2017
    Reply

    So sad to hear this. I too have suffered from a severe depression that completely crippled me. Suside seemed my only answer but a failed attempt let me live. I’m well now but am vigilante when it comes to staying on top of this horrible disease . I hope you found peace in heaven because you lived hell on earth. My sincere condolences to your family. I’d like to think I’ve been saved for a reason . I will never stop advocating for mental health. Rest easy sweet man .

  23. Leonard
    August 26, 2017
    Reply

    Rip the pain is gone for you

  24. Gail Clouston
    August 26, 2017
    Reply

    So very sorry for your loss.
    I do not know if people realize that we who have been adopted feel a great loss of rejection by our birth families. Sometimes we find them and its wonderful news but it still doesn’t relieve us from that terrible rejection of feeling loss of being given away. Some of us have been adopted into the most loving given homes and family anyone could wish for but it doesn’t take away that feeling of depression , loneliness , and that feeling of what if, Every adopted person I know have ended up in failed relationships . I believe this is due to the feeling of being loss and thinking no other person can really love you, and you find it hard to know that they honestly do love you.

  25. August 26, 2017
    Reply

    So sad, but so pleased you are sharing your beautiful story with others. Maybe just one can be helped in some little way. Take care

  26. Kevin
    August 26, 2017
    Reply

    Pam
    Thank you for sharing. I have no idea about what you and your family are going through…..the pain, the anguish and the feeling of absolute loss but I salute you for opening your heart to the us who have not had to endure such tragedy. Perhaps this will enlighten us about depression and the effect it has on you and your family. All the best!
    Kevin

  27. Deb Allen
    August 26, 2017
    Reply

    I am so sorry for your loss! My husband died by suicide also. Just wanted you to know there is a group called Grief Anonymous that is strictly losses from suicide. I’ve been helped a lot.

  28. Debbie Morrissey Stafford
    August 26, 2017
    Reply

    Oh Pam..I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother…depression is a horrid thing to deal with.. I lost my mother 40 years ago to depression.. she too took a gun and shot herself. She was 42 years old…I know the pain of dealing with this..40 years later we are still dealing with her decision to end her life…hugs to you and your family….

  29. Sandra
    August 26, 2017
    Reply

    I didn’t know your brother very well but here in Shell Lake we are all so very sorry for your loss. Our thoughts and prayers are with the whole family ?

  30. Liz Wall
    August 26, 2017
    Reply

    I feel for you and your family as I also know several suffering as your brother did. It may be one of the hardest things to understand and maybe only those living in your brother’s shoes totally understand.
    Your piece was written from the heart and touched me. So sorry for your loss but always keep his memories close as they very well may be your only comfort in the days and years to come.
    Maybe, while keeping his memories close, you can help others that continue to suffer today as Mike did.

  31. Gloria
    August 26, 2017
    Reply

    This was not a selfish act. When depression takes over your life in their mind they are being the most unselfish they’ve ever been because they think the best thing he could do for his family is to die so that his family no longer has to watch what he’s going through and they’d be better off without him. I know because a long time ago I was in that place.

  32. August 27, 2017
    Reply

    I’m very sorry for your loss….

  33. Maxine
    August 27, 2017
    Reply

    This is a beautiful writing, even tho very real and very sad. There are so many people you represent and like your brother there are so many people who have gone before him. We will never understand the desperation they feel or the straw that breaks the hold they have on life. We live in a society that associates visual scars with pain, there are very few scars with mental illness, therefore its dismissed as being real. The frustration I feel every day fighting for my sons rights to be noticed, treated medically and loved equally is just unmeasurable. I fear this too may be my story. I too suffer in silence.

  34. August 27, 2017
    Reply

    so much of this going on in our world today and people do not even realize it, until its too late ,,,very heartbreaking

  35. Elaine
    August 27, 2017
    Reply

    What a beautiful tribute to your brother. I cannot begin to know the pain you feel for losing your brother, regardless of the way, but realize that while you grieve, his pain is gone after suffering his whole life. He is at peace and you may someday be able to understand his pain

  36. Linda
    August 28, 2017
    Reply

    Hugs to you, and thank you for sharing who your brother was and what he meant to you.

  37. Linda
    August 28, 2017
    Reply

    Hugs to you, and thank you so much for sharing who your brother was and what he meant to you.

  38. Kevin and Roseanne Collins
    August 28, 2017
    Reply

    So sorry for the loss of your wonderful brother. So many are in such pain, we all must make a point of being “kind” to every person we meet. We hope you can find strength at this most difficult time in your life. Love does not end, it continues on, and we hope that your special memories will cause the love you had for your brother to live on in your heart. With deepest sympathy.

  39. pat
    August 29, 2017
    Reply

    im sorry for your loss he ust have been a great person. it is a hard struggle feeling the darkness and loneliness slowly trying to smother you

    .i know it gets harder each day to dance with the shadows and then rise up to the light again . the whole world telling you to grow up be a man and shake it off doesnt help at all

  40. Jamie Connors
    August 29, 2017
    Reply

    Pam, have been a fan of yours forever. Having dealt with the same issues I can tell you that what seemed like a selfish move was more so one of total desperation. Unable to see anything positive in the future he did what he felt he had to do. There’ll never be a clear understanding, only a respect for his decision. There was nothing anyone could have done…if it hadn’t been that day it would have been another if he was truly determined. I wish you and your family strength in the days ahead and I believe he’s finally found the peace he so desperately sought here on earth. His demons were just too powerful. His legacy lives on in what you’re doing and he would be so very proud of you giving a voice to his journey. Blessings and hugs to you and yours. You do a truly amazing job. He sounds like a wonderful soul and he was lucky to have you as a sister.

  41. Natasha White
    August 29, 2017
    Reply

    I am sorry for your loss. Suicide is and never will be a choice most people would ever understand. I lost a cousin this way. No amount of investigation will ever give you their “reason why”. The only ones that truly understand are the ones who have been there and not succeeded for one reason or another. They understand. It is never because of the people around them but something within them. They need it for their reasons and that’s it. Grieve as you will but don’t struggle with the why. Accept it as it is and remember him as he was.

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